i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Randomize
