Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
