I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
