Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think my fart just growled at me.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
