dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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