Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
