Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
