I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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