After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
