God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
what day is it and did you see me today?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
