My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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