You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
