I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
