dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
