I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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