Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
