Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
