Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
