I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
