I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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