He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
