forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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