this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
