when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
