I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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