just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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