I am spending my child support on dildos
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
