Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
