dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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