I think my vagina is haunted
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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