dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
