The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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