we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
