I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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