I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
