the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
