The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
