My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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