Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
