bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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