i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
