Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
