had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
