i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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