dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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