If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
