I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
