I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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