My underwear smells like fireworks.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
