yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
