these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
